Ever since we moved here last August, I had been meaning to
take the kids to the local library like all good mothers do. This library is
brand new and beautiful and I thought it might be a good outing for them.
Though I have to say that I honestly DREAD the idea of taking them anywhere
that is not equipped with shopping carts and plenty of restraints!
But after several months of feeling guilty of not doing more
“educational” excursions, I finally decided to take them. I really wanted to
get some books to prepare the kids for their imminent “de-throning” (the impending
arrival of the new baby). But I must say I was dreading the outing. Now, I’m
sure at this point you’re thinking, “She won’t even take her own kids to the
library? This chick is such a wimp!” Well, actually that’s true – BUT – here
were my current circumstances…
I was 9 months pregnant – 3 weeks away from my due date and
larger, I mean LARGER than life. I had double the normal amount of amniotic
fluid and a 9+ lb baby in there and simply “existing” had become a challenge.
Every time I stood up, that baby would slam-dunk into my pelvis and feel like
it was going to fall out. Every time I bent over, it would go sailing the other
direction and launch a direct assault on my stomach, triggering an urgent
desire to vomit! My most comfortable position was…NONE!
I did best in a slightly reclining position on the couch,
with 4-5 pillows wedged all around me, a heating pad on my back, a bottle of
Tums in one hand, a cup of shaved ice in the other hand and my children at
someone else’s house. Of course, the REALITY of my life rarely included this
scenario. Thus I spent most days, corralling children while constantly
calculating the minutes left till naptime.
Now, combine with this – my children. Georgia is my
3-year-old and has a constant case of PMS. Whining is her primary form of
communication. She is my own personal emotional draining system. She is
actually pretty darn obedient – BUT - she is painfully routine. She is thrown
into a tizzy by anything that is not part of her customary schedule. This of
course makes her a perfect target for her brother…
Then there is Zane who I lovingly refer to as “Captain
Hazard” – please refer to my “Poop On
The Carpet” entry for a specific example. Let me start out by saying that he
was the sweetest baby I could have hoped for. He just sat there and smiled –
for months. The only time he ever cried was when he was in physical pain, then
at 20 months – something snapped! I suddenly found myself spending most days
physically dragging his screaming, kicking body to timeout for some hideous
offense – often directed at his sister.
So, you can see why I wouldn’t want to leave the house with
these two and inflict them on the rest of the world. Of course that leaves me
trapped at home with them – outnumbered and often outmaneuvered!
Still think I’m a wimp? Well, you’re right – and I’m an even
BIGGER wimp when I’m pregnant. I prefer to avoid anything that causes me
exhaustion, irritability, exasperation or physical pain and I’m not afraid to
admit it!
But, deciding to be a nice mommy and stimulate and enrich my
children’s minds – I decide to take them on an outing to the library.
We load up in the van (which of course, is an experience in
itself) and I explain to them the whole way there, about how great the library
is. “We are going to learn so much and see so many beautiful books. Boy, isn’t
this going to be so much fun?!?! Now, remember – we need to obey mommy at the
library!” And I remind them of the cardinal indoor rule – “Remember, no RUNNING
or SCREAMING!!”
So, we pull up to the library and begin our day’s adventure.
I manage to actually get them each to hold my hands as we cross the parking
lot. We get in the library and my son immediately tries to struggle away from
me and run to the books. “Ok, he’s just excited about all the books –
right?” W R O N G !!
I sit the kids down and start piling books on the little
table to entertain them, while I commence in finding books about bringing home
a new baby. My daughter becomes immediately engrossed in the books – determined
to look at every page of every book. My son is a different story – sitting with
the books holds his attention for say – 1 minute or so. He waits until I’m
several feet away squatting in front of a row of books (ultimate vulnerability
in my current state). Then he makes his move – a strategic one I might add,
being that it could take me a good 2 minutes to hoist myself back into the
standing position!
His first order of business is to pull every book onto the
floor that his defiant little hands can reach. As soon as I’m back standing, I
began waddling behind him, returning the books to their proper homes – feeling
as though I’m about to revisit my breakfast each time that I bend over to
retrieve a book. I begin informing him (in firm but shushed tones) of his
imminent consequences. His response is to begin doing laps up and down the
aisles. He is now immersed in a thrilling game of “Catch me if you
can/Peek-a-Boo”!
Thankfully, as I look over at my daughter – she is quietly
engrossed reading her books. Halleluiah for that!
I leave her there momentarily as I go off to catch my son. I
finally corner him; give him the discreet “we’re in a public place”
disciplinary action. This consists of the “look”, whispered disapproval and a
pinch on the back part of his upper arm. Unfortunately, this does not illicit
the desired response of repentance and compliance! Rather, it produces a
shrill, blood curling scream – perfect for a library setting, don’t you think?!
Amazing how the people who give you dirty looks for letting your child run
wild, are the SAME people who give you dirty looks when you actually try to
gain control of the child by disciplining him! I immediately drag him back to
the children’s area – kicking and screaming of course – thanking God every step
of the way that I’m about to give birth to yet another little bundle of joy!
He settles down for a few minutes and we have “the talk”. At
this point he is doing much better. Georgia has now finished with her pile of
books and the kids begin to get silly together. They start chasing each other
and laughing loudly. As I go to run after them, they scatter and began belly
laughing and screaming wildly. As far as they’re concerned, we’re at the park
playing tag…and I’m “it”!!
This library is huge! They are running all different
directions and I’m chasing them as fast as I can – belly bouncing with every
step. This goes on for 2-3 minutes. Meanwhile, every single person in the
library is staring at this phenomenon in total shock and annoyance. Yet strangely
enough, no one steps in to head one of these little creatures off.
I finally get a hold of Georgia and give her enough threats
to make her stay put for the rest of her life, but my son is now running circles
from me around this particular aisle of books. Every time I come around a
corner – he screams, spins around and darts around the other side. I finally
gather all my energy and rush him when he’s midway down the aisle. As I get
within reach, I grab at his arm, catching only his sleeve. He immediately spins
around, which creates a horrific chain of events. As he spins, it throws me off
balance (big surprise) and I start to topple over. I frantically try to steady
myself and grab at a shelf of books, which ensures that about 15 books come
toppling down on me right as I fall backwards onto my butt! So here I am, in
the public library: 9 months pregnant, covered in books, lying on my back, belly
up - like an overturned bug, while my son CONTINUES to run in circles!
Did I ever tell you that falling in public is my single
worst humiliation fear?! Probably because I laugh heartily when I see others do
it! I have no idea how many people saw me – I couldn’t bear to look! I did
manage to get myself into a standing position remarkably fast – I think it was
one of those “super-human strength in emergency situations” kind of things! My
son must have sensed his current predicament and finally decided to be somewhat
compliant. I grabbed the kids, grabbed the books we were going to get and
headed straight for “check-out”. Funny enough, it turns out that I didn’t even
have my library card on me!
