Eric is taking the boys camping today. In the past he has taken all four kids camping, but apparently he has recently come to his senses and realized that years are being shaved off of his life by doing so. Thus - the "boys only" camping trip...
The "night before" preparations:
Eric *with clipboard in hand* running down "the list" while the boys scrambled to hunt & gather and get it all packed into the van.
Then came the phrase "go pack your clothes"...
This - to the people who can't even remember if they brushed their teeth 5 minutes ago or not.
*Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I think so...?*
Contestant #1: After 5 minutes in his room, he emerged with a backpack filled only with camo printed clothing -except for- the brand new pair of jeans sticking out the top.
Missing: Swim trucks, towel, and all toiletries.
FAIL.
Contestant #2: Went for a more "eclectic" look, packing tan cords and bright red *two sizes too big* basketball shorts.
Missing: "Camping appropriate" clothing and all toiletries.
FAIL.
After a 10:30pm-up-way-too-late-packing bedtime, the boys were up bright and early and raring to go!
The first sounds of the morning that I heard was the strumming of a ukelele followed quickly by the firm words of my husband "You are NOT taking that thing camping with ME!"
"But Daddy, I can play songs for you as you fall asleep each night..." came the protest.
Compelling as the argument was...my husband "regrettfully declined" and promptly put the ukelele in a "safe place for another day"...
More phrases I heard uttered throughout the morning get-out-of-town chaos:
"If I see a bear, I'm going to cut it's heart out!" *Announced by Dach as he looked lovingly at his pocket knife...*
"Dad? Did you pack all of our guns?!" *Excuse me??* "AIR-SOFT guns Mom!! Sheesh!"
Then, as I was standing next to my husband's fully-loaded van, I heard myself start talking: "Did you remember the band-aids/sunblock/bug spray/neosporin/water/map to the closest hospital/medical insurance cards...? And PLEASE make sure they: wear gloves when they chop wood/check for rocks before they jump into the water/always go to the bathroom in pairs/not shoot other campers, animals or each other with the airsoft guns/apply sunblock every 90 minutes and remember to wear their life jackets. Have fun!"
Right as Eric's eyes were starting to glaze over from my monologue, Dach and Zane suddenly started bickering in the backseat of the van. Eric turned and snapped at them, which immediately set Dach off crying.
Dach then started yelling "I DON'T WANT TO GO CAMPING!! LET ME OUT!! I'M NOT GOING!!!!!!!" as he started trying to climb out of the van.
As they drove off -with sweat pouring down my husband's head- I could still hear them in the distance, "Let me out - I'm not going camping!!"
"YES YOU ARE! AND YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT..."
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Checkout Purgatory on Register 2...
"Oh! My $5 off $25 purchase coupons at Grocery Outlet expire TODAY!! I have 1 hour till they close!" And off I went. Zooming off to my beloved "palace of savings" before the clock struck 9pm and my precious coupons turned back into a pumpkin.
35 minutes and 8 aisles of discounted treasures later...
"2 - $5 off coupons. Check! 2 - separate $25 purchases in which to use each of the coupons. Check!"
But which cashier...?
The candidates:
Checkout #1: Old and slow. She'll take FOR-E-VER.
Checkout #2: Young & inexperienced. Potential to mess up my coupons.
Checkout #3: Calling for a price check. A checkout death sentence.
Checkout #4: Fast & capable, but 3 people deep in line.
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo...
Checkout #2 is potentially lesser of all evils...
*or so she thought*
I set one $25 purchase on the belt and handed her a $5 off coupon. The checker rang up the order. Meanwhile I ran my debit card but DID NOT push the "I accept" button for the total because I was waiting for her to run the $5 off coupon.
She then reaches over the debit card machine and hits the "I accept" button before I can stop her.
"Wait!! What are you doing?? I gave you a coupon that you haven't run yet! I DON'T accept that amount!"
She glances at the coupon and announces: "Oh, I don't think it is even valid. I'm pretty sure it's expired. The expiration date was the 7th and today is like the 16th or something..."
*blink*
"THREE DAYS AGO IT WAS JULY 4TH!! THAT WOULD MAKE TODAY THE SEV-ENTH!"
She looked confused: "What? I don't think so."
*blink*
*Are you American?*
She then pulls out her cell phone and checks the date. "Oh, I guess it is the 7th. Well, I don't think this coupon is valid anyway. I don't think I'm supposed to accept it."
"It's from coupons.com and YES IT IS a valid coupon."
"Oh, well I already rang up the transaction. It's too late to use it now."
*blink*
"Well, I guess you'll need to refund the transaction and start over."
She glares at me then picks up the intercom:
"CUSTOMER SERVICE ON REGISTER 2!!"
Another checker shows up at the register to which my checker picks the intercom back up and yells:
"THANK YOU!!!"
*Um, she's standing right next to you*
The other checker takes one look at the coupon and assures her it is valid and leaves.
"Oh, well. I guess I'll just use it on your other transaction."
"Um, no. I have another coupon for that transaction. That would be why I have 2 separate transactions."
"Oh. Well, maybe I can use both coupons on one transaction. I'm going to have to get a manager over here."
*That sounds like a GRAND idea...*
She rings up the 2nd transaction and then grabs the intercom again:
"MANAGER TO REGISTER 2!!! MANAGER TO REGISTER 2!!!"
The manager shows up and again she picks the intercom back up:
"THANK YOU!!!!"
*Again...standin' right next to ya...*
She then turns to him and says: "She wants to know if I can use 2 of these coupons on one transaction because she had 2 transactions, but I didn't know she wanted to use a coupon on the first one..."
*blink*
*For reals??*
If I jump over the counter and throttle this girl I will have NO chance of them taking my coupon.
*insert cleansing breath*
I immediately jump in: "ACTUALLY - I handed her the coupon BEFORE she even started the first transaction. She didn't ring up the coupon and then she finished the transaction before I could stop her."
He looks at me like -->I<-- am the enemy and announces: "Well...I will make an exception -just this once- and use BOTH coupons on ONE transaction."
He then turns to the cashier and says "I am putting this transaction under MY name so if there are any issues with it, it'll be on me and not YOU!"
*blink*
Am I being punked...?
*Medicating with a bowl of cereal from my .99 cent mega-box of Super Sugar Crisp...*
35 minutes and 8 aisles of discounted treasures later...
"2 - $5 off coupons. Check! 2 - separate $25 purchases in which to use each of the coupons. Check!"
But which cashier...?
The candidates:
Checkout #1: Old and slow. She'll take FOR-E-VER.
Checkout #2: Young & inexperienced. Potential to mess up my coupons.
Checkout #3: Calling for a price check. A checkout death sentence.
Checkout #4: Fast & capable, but 3 people deep in line.
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo...
Checkout #2 is potentially lesser of all evils...
*or so she thought*
I set one $25 purchase on the belt and handed her a $5 off coupon. The checker rang up the order. Meanwhile I ran my debit card but DID NOT push the "I accept" button for the total because I was waiting for her to run the $5 off coupon.
She then reaches over the debit card machine and hits the "I accept" button before I can stop her.
"Wait!! What are you doing?? I gave you a coupon that you haven't run yet! I DON'T accept that amount!"
She glances at the coupon and announces: "Oh, I don't think it is even valid. I'm pretty sure it's expired. The expiration date was the 7th and today is like the 16th or something..."
*blink*
"THREE DAYS AGO IT WAS JULY 4TH!! THAT WOULD MAKE TODAY THE SEV-ENTH!"
She looked confused: "What? I don't think so."
*blink*
*Are you American?*
She then pulls out her cell phone and checks the date. "Oh, I guess it is the 7th. Well, I don't think this coupon is valid anyway. I don't think I'm supposed to accept it."
"It's from coupons.com and YES IT IS a valid coupon."
"Oh, well I already rang up the transaction. It's too late to use it now."
*blink*
"Well, I guess you'll need to refund the transaction and start over."
She glares at me then picks up the intercom:
"CUSTOMER SERVICE ON REGISTER 2!!"
Another checker shows up at the register to which my checker picks the intercom back up and yells:
"THANK YOU!!!"
*Um, she's standing right next to you*
The other checker takes one look at the coupon and assures her it is valid and leaves.
"Oh, well. I guess I'll just use it on your other transaction."
"Um, no. I have another coupon for that transaction. That would be why I have 2 separate transactions."
"Oh. Well, maybe I can use both coupons on one transaction. I'm going to have to get a manager over here."
*That sounds like a GRAND idea...*
She rings up the 2nd transaction and then grabs the intercom again:
"MANAGER TO REGISTER 2!!! MANAGER TO REGISTER 2!!!"
The manager shows up and again she picks the intercom back up:
"THANK YOU!!!!"
*Again...standin' right next to ya...*
She then turns to him and says: "She wants to know if I can use 2 of these coupons on one transaction because she had 2 transactions, but I didn't know she wanted to use a coupon on the first one..."
*blink*
*For reals??*
If I jump over the counter and throttle this girl I will have NO chance of them taking my coupon.
*insert cleansing breath*
I immediately jump in: "ACTUALLY - I handed her the coupon BEFORE she even started the first transaction. She didn't ring up the coupon and then she finished the transaction before I could stop her."
He looks at me like -->I<-- am the enemy and announces: "Well...I will make an exception -just this once- and use BOTH coupons on ONE transaction."
He then turns to the cashier and says "I am putting this transaction under MY name so if there are any issues with it, it'll be on me and not YOU!"
*blink*
Am I being punked...?
*Medicating with a bowl of cereal from my .99 cent mega-box of Super Sugar Crisp...*
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Procrastinationville, USA
"Hello, my name is Natalie and I'll be your whip-cracker for today!" Today is "D" day. "D" as in "DUE"! As in "every schoolwork assignment that you have procrastinated about is now "DUE" tomorrow". I think we will be abandoning the basics to spend the day frantically trying to meet these deadlines. In addition to a vocabulary test tomorrow and a required chapter of science to be read, we have some additional "high priority" projects...
On the docket:
Zane: Read a 50something page script for drama class, choose which character he'd like to audition for and work on a scene from the play to audition with. Audition is also tomorrow.
"Perhaps you should have started reading that before today..."
Georgia, Maisie & Dach: Write and illustrate a 16 page book to be printed and bound.
Um, yeah.
Back in October when we got the publishing kits it sounded like a grand idea. "Hey kids - wanna write & illustrate a story to be published into a hardback book?"
*Zane was the only one with enough sense to say "No!"*
Now that it is due to be turned in tomorrow and they JUST STARTED working on them yesterday - it feels like a cruel punishment.
"What should I write my story about?"
"Um, let's see...how about a story about time management...?"
Did I mention we started out the morning with the sound of shattering glass hitting a stone floor?
*medicates with caramel macchaito*
I am sitting here dying to any and all personal agenda I may have had for the day. If I dare to get up from the table and try to accomplish something other than task-mastering *such as laundry*, then all children take that as their cue to frolic about the house.
Did I mention I have a comedy gig in 3 days. It would be awesome to have my set figured out at some point. Perhaps tonight when the little darlings are fast asleep...
Other than theprojects that are shaving years off my life schoolwork that is due tomorrow, here is what I "should" be working on:
- Put together a 45 minute stand-up act to perform this Sunday.
- Prepare to lead-teach the co-op art class of 22 students for the next 2 Fridays. *Since lead-teacher Claire handed me the baton & decided a family vacation was in order*
- Throw a birthday party for Zane next Saturday
- Throw a birthday party for Maisie the following Saturday
- Make the invitations for Maisie's party & get them sent out. Preferably several days ago. *ahem*
- Plan/create 1950's "Sock Hop" theme for Maisie's party
- Plan style of birthday cakes to bake for each of the birthdays
**Newsflash**
Zane just started working on his math because he needed to take a break from his drama homework. Wow - how stressed out is he that math now qualifies as a "break"?
Well, if you need me - I'll be here. As in - right here in this very spot ALL. DAY. LONG. Hopefully they will finish before my nervous breakdown hits core breach. "Hurry up kids, Tribal Council starts in 8 hours. Mommy's got her priorities!"
Oh looky, Dach has now removed his shirt because apparently it was blocking his creative writing juices. I didn't realize he subscribed to the George Costanza school of writing techniques. Awesome...
On the docket:
Zane: Read a 50something page script for drama class, choose which character he'd like to audition for and work on a scene from the play to audition with. Audition is also tomorrow.
"Perhaps you should have started reading that before today..."
Georgia, Maisie & Dach: Write and illustrate a 16 page book to be printed and bound.
Um, yeah.
Back in October when we got the publishing kits it sounded like a grand idea. "Hey kids - wanna write & illustrate a story to be published into a hardback book?"
*Zane was the only one with enough sense to say "No!"*
Now that it is due to be turned in tomorrow and they JUST STARTED working on them yesterday - it feels like a cruel punishment.
"What should I write my story about?"
"Um, let's see...how about a story about time management...?"
Did I mention we started out the morning with the sound of shattering glass hitting a stone floor?
*medicates with caramel macchaito*
I am sitting here dying to any and all personal agenda I may have had for the day. If I dare to get up from the table and try to accomplish something other than task-mastering *such as laundry*, then all children take that as their cue to frolic about the house.
Did I mention I have a comedy gig in 3 days. It would be awesome to have my set figured out at some point. Perhaps tonight when the little darlings are fast asleep...
Other than the
- Put together a 45 minute stand-up act to perform this Sunday.
- Prepare to lead-teach the co-op art class of 22 students for the next 2 Fridays. *Since lead-teacher Claire handed me the baton & decided a family vacation was in order*
- Throw a birthday party for Zane next Saturday
- Throw a birthday party for Maisie the following Saturday
- Make the invitations for Maisie's party & get them sent out. Preferably several days ago. *ahem*
- Plan/create 1950's "Sock Hop" theme for Maisie's party
- Plan style of birthday cakes to bake for each of the birthdays
**Newsflash**
Zane just started working on his math because he needed to take a break from his drama homework. Wow - how stressed out is he that math now qualifies as a "break"?
Well, if you need me - I'll be here. As in - right here in this very spot ALL. DAY. LONG. Hopefully they will finish before my nervous breakdown hits core breach. "Hurry up kids, Tribal Council starts in 8 hours. Mommy's got her priorities!"
Oh looky, Dach has now removed his shirt because apparently it was blocking his creative writing juices. I didn't realize he subscribed to the George Costanza school of writing techniques. Awesome...
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