Beauty is just a spray away...

As we all know, I have an obsession with white teeth & tan skin. I have logged many an hour in the bathroom with my Crest whitestrips & self-tanning lotion. I love to be tan but hate to be overheated - so the tanning cream saves me about 900 hours in the sun.

For about a year now I've been intrigued by the do-it-yourself-at-home airbrush tanning kit. But I was too scared to try it (and a little too cheap). It kept going on sale for $20 at the drugstore, but that seemed like an awful lot for something that could potentially temporarily ruin my social life.

But...the other night at Grocery Outlet, they had that kit on sale for $7.99. Gee for $7.99 I would buy just about anything & give it a shot! I brought it home & proudly presented it to Hubby who immediately put his head in his hand & said: "Perhaps you could be happy with the way you are!" "Au contraire! I could be even HAPPIER with the way I was MEANT to be!!"

I had gotten home with it around 10:30pm along with a 40 ounce Coke Slurpee - which I fully downed. *impressive I know!* The kids are now on a swim team (for the next 6 weeks) which means they have to be at the pool by 9am every day of summer. [Translation: I have to spend hours every night drying swimsuits & towels and repacking backpacks, planning outfits, & preparing snacks!] So, as I logged my nightly chores I kept thinking, "Maybe I'll do the tanning stuff tonight! Wow, it sure doesn't FEEL like 11pm/midnight/1am..." *sidenote: 40 ounces of caffeine packed Slurpee is not the wisest nightcap*

At 1:00am I started rehanging window shades - this was about where I lost Hubby.

I finally decided to start the tanning process around 1:45am. "Shower & exfoliate for best results" Alrighty then!!

"I should do my Crest whitestrips while I tan - that'll really enhance my new tan!" I dug through the entire bathroom storage shelves & finally located the whitestrips & applied them. 2:10am - "I should not only wash my face but do a mask before I tan it!" *enter search for face mask* 2:20am - "I should do a hot oil treatment on my hair before I get in the shower! Can't leave the hair out of the makeover process!" *enter search for VO5 hot oil treatment* 2:30am - time to shower & exfoliate *enter search for "sugar scrub" cleanser* After fully showering, face masking, teeth whitening, exfoliating, sugar scrubbing, and hot oil treating - I was ready to airbrush on my new look! They recommend you do it in the shower stall because on the large mess it makes. It's pretty cool - you just pop a "can-o-tan" into a plastic applicator "gun", and pull the trigger to a darker bronzer you!! 30 minutes & 3 coats later I was a darker, bronzer me:



Before: The pale dough boy version After: Bronze goddess!

[About the swimcap: that would be pics from "Slip N Slide fun" from the previous day's activities!]

Do you love that contrast?!?! ME TOO!!! *squeals!* Here, let's do it again...

Before: After:

I'M. SO. HAPPY.

Stand aside George Hamilton, NATALIE has arrived!!

I did read online yesterday that a can should last 2-4 applications. WHOOPS - I used 3/4 of a can in one sitting!! Perhaps, I'll be a little more sparing next time!

*Perhaps*

The after pics were taken almost 36 hours after the application - so it has faded slightly. You can IMAGINE how dark it was initially. Hubby was actually startled when he woke up the next morning & saw me! "YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS! YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING BIZARRE THINGS! I'M GOING TO HAVE AN INTERVENTION! LOOK AT YOU - YOU'RE SKIN LOOKS LIKE LEATHER!" I believe that is where he is mistakin'! It doesn't look leathery, it looks healthy & glowing.

I replied "You just feel threatened!"

"BY WHAT?!?!" he demanded.

"By losing your status of having the darkest skin in the house!" (He LOVES to take off his watch & show me his tan line & rub it in my face how much darker he gets! WELL, NOT ANYMORE BABY!!)

That was about the time he rolled his eyes & changed my name to "Rawhide"! Before he left for work, he got a very serious look on his face and said "Will you please stop doing bizarre things?"

What a funny little man.

You can't stop me now, I ordered 4 more refill cans off ebay!! Goodbye pale world..........

Tanning Follow-Up...

I am becoming SO educated in the world of self-tanning! Did you know:
"The ingredients Stearic Acid, Triethanolamine, Mineral Oil and/or Aloe Vera all have high pH levels of over 6! What does this mean? A pH of over 6 is the COLOR ORANGE!"

Don't buy self-tanning products that have these ingredients.

GOOD. TO. KNOW.

(I thought you'd say that!)

I always wondered why some tanning products turned you orange and others went brown... I think I'm going to take an online course to get my tanning certification:

The "Sunless Airbrush/HVLP Technician" course!

Did you know:

"...skin replaces itself naturally every 28 days. Twenty-five percent of skin is exfoliated each week, causing a UV-tan to wear away. Sunless spray tans affect only the top 25 percent of skin. Sunless tanners should use a tan-extending program to maintain the level of the sunless tan longer."?

Neither did I!

Such valuable information we have stumbled upon!

I just felt that it would be a CRIME to keep this information to myself. I know you would ordinarily expect to pay the big bucks for this invaluable information. Maybe on other websites - but not HERE people, not here! It is my way of giving back to society...

Hi-Ho a cherry'o! A mowin' we will go...

Ok, so in 12 years and 12 days of marriage I have never once attempted the "ultimate" man job:

The mowing of the lawn.

Until today.

I have always held to the tried and true tradition that anything beyond the threshhold of the outer doors of our home is "man territory" aka "not-a my-a job-a" ! But I had this thought today. "It's supposed to hit 80 degrees today and get up to almost 90 degrees for the next few days. I should set up the swimming pool. But oh look - the grass is ankle deep, it really should be mowed first. Why, maybe --> I <-- could mow it! Hubby is severely allergic to grass and HATES mowing it and always ends up needing his Albuterol inhaler every time he does it. He'd be so happy if I mowed it for him! I'm sure I could do it. Really, how hard could it be...?* "

Chapter 1: How to start a mower

Now, we have all seen the guys yanking on that string with the handle. So, after carefully inspecting the mower for any hidden "on" buttons, I tried my luck. No luck. Oh wait, I think he pulls back on this bar while he does it. Pull back on bar, pull string. Pull string again. Pull string again - "RENG-RA-RA-RENGGGG"!! I did it!!!! I got so excited that I jumped up and down & clapped my hands to which the mower immediately died. OK, note to self: don't let go of bar thingy. I tried it again, then it wouldn't start. Argh. I FINALLY got it going again & was determined NOT to let go of said bar thingy!

Chapter 2: Hey, it's just like vacuuming...sort of

It wasn't so bad! Just walk around behind the mower annihilating anything that comes into your path! Why does Hubby hate this so much? It's just like vacuuming! He always comes in afterwards all sweaty & exhausted, begging for lemonade. I don't see what the big deal is - this isn't bad at all! Till I realized it takes AN HOUR!!!!! About 30 minutes in - I was heaving & sweating and ready to quit! My neighbor mows his lawn AT LEAST once a week - is he CRAZY?!?! And forget about the "lines"- I was ALL over the place. Our lawn probably has more crazy eights in it now than an ice rink!

Chapter 3: Rocks are not your friend

Jen warned me "Pay your kids to pick up rocks before you mow". In the end I decided that I'd rather just put them in their beds for quiet time and have them out of my hair. I did do a surface sweep before I started but would recommend a more detailed search before pushing a metal blade across your lawn. Boy, can those babies fly! And the sound! Just put a few rocks in your blender and you'll get the idea.

Chapter 4: The real reason they are called "crab apples"

When you run over one and it flies up and hits you - it tends to make you somewhat crabby.

Chapter 5: Mow grass, not dirt

In my GREAT fear to not let the mower turn off, I held that bar down and mowed solid for an hour. Hubby, usually turns it off and then moves it from the back yard to the front yard and turns it back on. No way - I'm not going to risk dislocating my shoulder trying to get that thing started again! I just mowed everything on the path between the back and the front yards. Bushes, dirt, rocks, branches. I must say - that blade is one powerful tool! I mowed, weeded and pruned in one fail swoop! Let me know if you need your Christmas trees mulched next year. I'll just line them up on the lawn & drive over them! Although, I must admit there was a bit of a dust storm by the time I made it around the side of the house!

Chapter 6: Why laundry is my very best friend!

I want NOTHING to do with ever mowing again - ever! I am so tired. My arms, legs and even my fingers are exhausted. Having to squeeze that bar thingy for an hour has nearly rendered me useless from the elbows down. I was this >.<>

Chapter 7: Praise be to John Deere

I always thought it was kind of idiotic how there is all of this John Deere merchandising. Why in the world would I want a Christmas tree decoration of a glorified lawn mower hanging on my tree anyway? Now I know: Because John Deere is the glorious redeemer of the lawn!! What man WOULDN'T want to bring honor and glory to someone who's mission is to rescue them from mower purgatory. Heck - right now I'd happily shell out a few thousand dollars for one of those ride-on babies. HAPPILY!

Hubby you are the BEST, I can't believe you heave that mower around our yard all summer, not to mention hauling heavy stinky garbage bags to the trash cans. I will happily keep bringing you lemonade by the bucketful!!!

I am now going to go take a hot shower and try to regain control over my large motor skills...

*A cliche commonly announced immediately preceeding a disasterous attempt of some sort.

A lawn before and after picture for you:

{Again - life without a camera...}

**Edit: I couldn't figure out why 2 of my fingers were hurting so much and I just discovered that my middle & ring fingers have blisters or callouses or something! Not sure what - but it hurts!

See wimpy girl.

See wimpy girl mow lawn.

See wimpy girl get owies from mowing lawn.

See wimpy girl whine.

**Edit Again: NO! After all that, I never even got the pool up!! I was too tired! I had already written that off, and then when I was putting the mower away in the garage, I noticed that that the pool wasn't even in there. "Oh yeah - it got really gross at the end of last summer and Hubby threw it away. NOW I remember!!!!" So, the lawn mowing wa pretty much um...um....oh yeah - IN VAIN!!!!!!!

Happy Anatomically Correct Father's Day!

Here is my annual posting of Georgia's 1st hand-drawn Father's Day card. She drew this for Father's Day 2000 when she was just over 2 1/2 years old. Enjoy!

This was about the time that Hubby started wearing his robe more often!

More riveting moments...

I was going take all the kids to The Supermall today but 2 girlfriends talked me down. Hubby wasn't going to be home till 9pm because of an elder's meeting after work and the whole "12 hour stretch" thing was less than appealing. Must. Leave. House. For. Adult. Contact.

It was a weird day. Could be the super turbo powered case of Capital "P". Capital "M". Capital "S". ALL the kids were bickering...constantly. Even Georgia was taking an active part. The list of infractions would be too long to list but suffice to say that rock throwing, stick poking, and out-of-turn phone answering were all critical moments in the day's events! The bizarro thing was that Mr I-hate-homeschool-and-only-perform-to-the-bare-minimum-requirements went above and beyond his required 3 pages of "Spell & Write" workbook and completed 15 pages in the book. *???* Just out of the blue. One word: Random. That kid is trying to confuse me.

I exercised my parental right of the 90 minute quiet time for EVERYONE today. That helped - somewhat.

I came this >.<>

Here's a classic Dach moment for ya: tonight I took the kids -ever so briefly- to a local grocery store. The kids were talking to/playing with this sweet little black boy. So...when we are leaving the store - the little boy's family is checking out at the register and Dach stands up in the shopping cart and screams at the top of his lungs:

"GOOD-BYE LITTLE BROWN BOY!!!"

No one gets names when you are 3. You are merely: "Yellow-hair girl" "Basketball shirt guy" or "Brown Boy".

And here is what happens when the batteries eventually run down...

What I meant by "Go to bed." was "Go to bed in a bed." Apparently the bottom of the stairs was as far as he made it. Must've been all that Kryptonite I slipped in his Pull-Up...

Pestilence of the pestilence...

So, in case I hadn't mentioned it - the rats are gone! We got the green light from the pest control people in late April. But here is the irony in my life...

The rats gave us fleas.

A little over a week ago, Hubby had some bites on his leg that he thought were mosquito bites. Then Dach got some bites on him. Then Hubby saw a flea one morning. Did I mention that we have NO pets? Our conclusion is that our pestilence gave us pestilence. I bought 5 flea bombs and spent the day at Jen's on Friday while we bombed the house. I'm thinking we should move before the locust show up...



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Our anniversary was on Sunday (6/11). Last week we decided that we weren't going to be able to celebrate by going out because of having to buy the new tires. Then Hubby got a phone call from a friend on Thursday afternoon, "Hi, we are watching your kids tomorrow night [Friday] and we are sending you to 'The Metropolitan Grill' for dinner!" *blink* I must say, I was stunned! I have never even been to The Met - namely because the entrees are between $30-$60 each. They had us drop our kids off at their house and handed us an anniversary card with $125 in it and said, "Go to dinner and a movie!" *wow!* What a kind gift! I was totally overwhelmed by their generosity. We went to dinner and I had the filet mignon and Hubby had a New York steak. We actually go to church with someone who works there and he did a complimentary anniversary tableside flambe dessert dish.

After dinner we went to see X-MEN 3. *There she goes - taking one for the team!* Not my first choice for a movie but I knew that Hubby wanted to see it. I wanted to see "The Break Up" to which Hubby said, "The Break Up?! On our anniversary?!?! That doesn't seem like a very positive movie..." Whatever. I'd be happy watching paint dry at this point!

All in all - it was a fun date.



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On Friday morning while I was trying to vacuum to prepare for setting off the flea bombs, I walked past the bathroom and heard Maisie saying, "Now try it till 8!!" I cranked open the bathroom door to find that the sink was FULL of water and Dach was face down in it while sporting a scuba mask. Meanwhile, Maisie was loudly documenting his breath-holding abilities: "4........5........6........7........8.......GOOD JOB!! NOW LET'S TRY 9!!!!!!!"

"What are you two doing?!"

Dach whips his head out of the water and grins, "I'b swibbing Bobby!!"

All in a day's chaos work...

INFRACTION #1:

I come around the corner yesterday and what bizarre treat of a circumstance do I find? Why, my delusional 3 year old batting grand salamis in the center of the living room. I'd have taken a picture but I HAVE NO CAMERA!!!! *insert bitterness*
He was sporting a "10-sizes-too-big-for-his-head" batting helmet *think Chicken Little* and was swinging a metal baseball bat at a hard baseball *not the assigned 3-year-old whiffle ball* which was perfectly poised on top of a mud-encrusted plastic batting tee placed directly in the center of my living room!
I think I may have shouted uttered "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!?!" His blank stare was followed by "I'm playing baseball."

DO. NOT. LEAVE. UNATTENDED.

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INFRACTION #2:

"Where is Dach? Does anyone know the location of Dach?" *insert blank stares* I look upstairs...no Dach. I look downstairs...no Dach. I look in the backyard...no Dach. *thinks* "Not under the table, not in any closets, not in the bathroom...hmn..." Then I get the brilliant idea to look in the "Forbidden" front yard. I swing open the door just in time to see him breaking 3 rules at one time.

Strike 1 - "YOU are not supposed to be in the front yard!!!
"Strike 2 - "YOU are not supposed to be playing with my BBQ tongs!!!"
Strike 3 - "YOU are definately not supposed to be picking up ants with my BBQ tongs!!!"

"YER OUT!"

Hubby and I have renamed him "THAT KID!!" We look at each other several times a day and exasperatedly mutter, "THAT KID!!!"

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We spent Sunday afternoon/evening at my sister's house with her 4 kids (ages 8, 2, and twin 5 month old babies). The highlight of my day was right before we left to come home and I got the brilliant idea to wrap multiple layers of clear tape around the sprayer hose trigger in her kitchen sink! *thinks - I wonder how many minutes before my cell phone rings...?*

Sure enough, about 20 minutes later... "ring, ring" HEH!! I couldn't even contain it, I answered the phone hysterically laughing. On the other end I hear "I'm dripping. As in, I-could-wring-my-shirt-out-and-flood-my-floor dripping!!!" *insert more hysterical laughter* "I turned the water on FULL BLAST!!! And then I was so stunned that it took me a few seconds to figure out what was happening!!! You're dead! I'm gonna get you back!! You wait and see!!!"

*No you won't! You still haven't gotten me back for slapping an enormous blob of bacon fat in the middle of your tuna sandwich 15 years ago!!* Oh, *wipes tear* that girl is just too fun to mess with...

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Today I had the brilliant idea to leave the house with 4 kids in tow. Perhaps next time I entertain thoughts of that - I could notify you all on my diary and you could collectively talk me out of it!

Let me preface with this: the kids have a van game. *in addition to the classic favorite: "Mom - she's touching me!" game* The game goes something like this: Anywhere between 2-4 children randomly scream out one of the following phrases- "Slug Bug!!" "Cruiser Bruiser!!" or "Convertible!!"

Each "shout-out" is immediately followed by loud and intense arguing over who saw it first, who gets the "points" for it, what the point value is, and a recap of individual total daily points. It essentially boils down to 5 seconds of frantic screaming followed 5 minutes of frantic arguing interrupted by 5 more seconds of frantic screaming etc, etc, etc...

All of this makes for the perfect scenario for driving off a cliff slightly distracted driving conditions. Within 3 minutes of climbing into the car - I mistakenly went halfway through a red stoplight when I saw the turn lane's green arrow appear out of the corner of my eye. The large truck taking a left turn opposite me and heading straight for my van caused me to realize my error and reverse in time. Good grief.

Then it was off to Walmart to do some returns. Why do I take 4 kids there in the middle of naptime? *answer not found* After which I headed to JoAnn Fabrics for a return. During that store visit Zane was charged .25 cents every time he complained to me or spoke rudely to me. He now owes me $1.75. One more trip to JoAnn's and I'm cashing in for a frappe! On the way back home, the "Slug Bug" competition became so fierce that I began to intervene and try to determine point entitlement.

"MEDIAN IN THE ROAD!! MEDIAN IN THE ROAD!!"

*swerve* Too late. "BAM!!" It was one of those short 4-5 inch tall yellow median things in the center of road. I hit the end of it square (and hard) with my front left tire, luckily I didn't lose control of the car and just kept going (after a rather loud noise and jolt to the van). Oops. I pulled over a couple of blocks later to get gas and inspected my damage. My tire was sporting a rather large bulbous bulge in it. Yikes - time for a new tire! I drove (quite slowly) the 1 1/2 miles home and called Hubby.

Cha-ching. $150 for 2 front tires later... *gotta have a matched set, don't want uneven wear!*
Our 12th wedding anniversary is Sunday!! Guess what we are getting each other?????!!!! 2 tires.

*sigh* I think it's gonna be a "bread -n-water" kind of anniversary. Oh well - just keep reminding how much fun Hawaii was for the 10th...

She works hard for the money...

What I accomplished today:

Primed & painted a new dresser for Georgia
Painted 2 door frames, 1 door, 2 cupboards 1/2 of a wall and 5 drawers in the kitchen
Washed AND dried 6 loads of laundry
Refilled 5 ice cube trays (hey, it's all in the details)
Cleaned oven: inside, outside and underneath
Planted (repotted) 9 gerber daisies
Reassembled Barbie's "My Scene: Madison's Disco Pad" playhouse --AGAIN—

*note to self: NO curious toddlers are ever allowed in the girls' room again - ever!!*

Cooked & consumed 1/2 pound of bacon *there goes that moderation kicking in again*
Washed the dishes.......TWICE.......
Not to mention the fact that I just had to dump an 8 pound container of chocolate syrup (well, it probably had somewhere between 6-7 lbs left in it) down the sink because I realized AFTER making a blenderful of frappuccino - the chocolate was slightly moldy.
Not. So. Tasty.

Zane DID let me know he thought my "services rendered" today were worth a solid $2 an hour and that he may even be willing to spring for it himself.*Thanks Babe - right back at ya!*

And now I'm ready for someone to draw me a hot bath to soak in. Right after someone scrubs the "kid slime" off of the bathtub...

It's 12:07am - perhaps I'll just put myself to bed. Why bathe now when I can do it with 4 kids running loose tomorrow! Ah, the adventure... "Here kids - you just sit quietly and fold these 6 loads of laundry while mommy takes a shower. Remember not to tear the house to shreds and poke each other in the eye..." *she said delusionally*

BACON-BACON-BACON!!!

Dear Diary -

I have a confession. I am coming out of denial and I must face reality.

"My name is Natalie and I'm a...BACON-A-HOLIC!"

*"Hi, Natalie"*

I have single-handedly consumed 1 pound of bacon today. Now, I know that sounds like a lot - but when it is thick sliced, it's really only 10 slices...or maybe 11 or 12. In my defense - I haven't had anything else to eat today. Well, unless you count the venti Mocha Marble Macchiato from Starbucks. Ok, I admit it - I'm addicted. I would sing it from the mountaintops:

"I LOVE BACON!!!"

I have had this addiction for quite some time now. I hoard it when it goes on sale and then I cook it before the kids get up or after they go to bed - so I don't have to share! My favorite sandwich is a BLT on toasted sourdough with just a smidge of mayo. *mops drool off of keyboard before impending electrocution takes place*

I only wish my house could prepetually smell like bacon. I believe there is a market for bacon-scented candles. Bacon room spray. Bacon incense. I mean really - who wouldn't like to wake up to the smell of bacon every morning?! I daresay I would even wear bacon perfume. I would prefer to eat it at every meal. I believe it is a key ingredient in virtually ANY recipe. What a glorious food.

Pigs. What a purposeful life they lead!

Are you all aware that Safeway has a "super coupon" good through the weekend? Why it's for BACON! Just .99 cents for a 1 pound package!! *sings - "How many times can I go through the line? How much bacon can I collect?"*

Aaahh. I feel much better getting all of that out in the open. I gotta go - it's time for LUNCH!!!